Things you have to believe to vote Republican in November:

Editorial note: This is not my rant. My dad sent me this as one of many in a series of email lists/jokes he sends me every day. I just thought this one was worth posting.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy madewar on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with Chinaand Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demandtheir cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care toall Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. Y

ou support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

You paid more than one percent more federal income taxes in 2003, but it was needed by the upper economic classes: their tax bills went down 2%.

You really believe that new jobs are being created when the Bureau of Labor Statistics stated recently that the number of jobs lost under President George W. is second only to the percentage lost under Herbert Hoover.

Each week, you go to church or synagogue because you think your prophet, pastor,or Pope is inspired by God. Yet, George W. told the Amish that God works through him, period.

Vote Bush & Cheney!