The Conversations You Have When They're Eleven...

Sam has a friend over. I was picking him up at the Presbytarian Church after school (they love that program, all of them, and now I do too) and I saw a familiar mother.

"I know I know you, and I know I like you, but who are you?" I asked her.

She told me we had met at a wine tasting (well, that explains it-- just kidding, Dad, I only had one glass!). Then we talked about our sons, same age, same class, and how the kids at his school (even smaller and more rural than ours) make fun of him because he wants to be a magician (Robin, he takes classes from Michael!) and he is sensitive and into D and D.

I said, "Does he want to come over to play on Friday night?

Sam: "We can play Halo 2 which is rated M for Maturity because of the violence and obscenities, but if you think that swearing is bad, you should read the book."

Me: "Boy, Sam, you just make me sound like a better mother with every word."

Sam: "Oh, sorry, Mom."

Well, I don't know whether she is very laid back or whether she just couldn't understand him (did I mention that all of my children have inherited from me talkingververyveryfastandunintelligibly?), but she did not seem to mind, and she said he could come. We exchanged information.

The day before we were driving home from school:

Sam: "Have you ever fancied anybody, Mom?"

Me: "Have I? Who didn't I fancy?" Pause. "Do you fancy someone?"

Sam: "Yes."

Me: "Who is it?"

Sam: "Her name is Girl in My Class. And she invited me to a party on Saturday."

Me: "Did she invite the whole class?"

Sam: "Not exactly. A girl kind of sidled up to me at lunch time and gave me the invitation and told me not to read it yet. I read it at recess."

Can you picture it? Sam sneaking off to a corner to read the envelope and seeing the party invitation? It could make Martha Stewart's heart melt.

So, he called her after school to tell her he could come. His first call to a GIRL!

THEN last night, the father of yet another friend called and asked Sam to spend the night (hold your breath!) on Saturday night (exhale with relief).

I told Dereck, "Wow, I hope he doesn't peak at age 11."

Tonight:

Sam: "Mom, you know that video I told you about? I finally got to watch it yesterday."

I am wracking my brain. Aliens? Alien vs. Predator? He was at his father's last night-- it could be anything.

Me: "How was it?"

Sam shrugged: "Okay."

Oh that video.

Me: "A little embarrassing?"

Sam: "Yeah. They gave each of us a little packet, " (holds up pointer and thumb to make a square) "of deodorant, " (Okay, I can breathe now) he continued.

Me: "Did they tell you to wear it every day?"

Sam: "Yes."

Me: "See?"

Dereck: "What was this video?"

Sam: "Puberty is the gateway to human sexuality."

Me: "Purity? Did you say purity?"

Sam: "Puberty."

Me: "Oh."

Pause.

I sent a sidelong glance to Dereck and asked slyly, thinking there was no possible way, but it was okay because Sam wouldn't know what I was talking about anyway: "Did they tell you about nocturnal emissions?"

Sam nodded solemnly and recited with the perfect un-self-consciousness of a young boy who has never had one: "'Also known as wet dreams.'"