A Mostly Fine Evening... (This Is Intended for Audiences Who Know I Swear)

Dereck had a late softball game tonight, so I kept the kids home. Sam has a friend sleeping over, and there was much excitement! I drove all four kids to Wal-Mart to get snacks and a memory card for the Game Cube or X Box or whatever the heck we have. I called our sitter Erin on my way and asked if she'd like to come over so I could color her hair. Truly, I have missed my career calling as a beautician.

Erin agreed to come, so I bought some brown color to bring her back to her natural color (two inches of growth with orangish streaks-- you can see why I was itching to do this) and then put on the cap and lightened it with highlights. The cap took a long long time as her hair is long and she has a lot of it. I put kids to bed in between colorings, and we watched Cheaper by the Dozen. I let the older boys stay up.

At midnight, the phone rings twice, and I figure it's Dereck calling, and he'll soon try my cell phone, when Sam comes out of the TV room saying, "Here's Jen, here's my mom. It's someone calling for Dereck."

"Hello?"

"Is he at the bar?"

"Who's calling please?"

"This is Jerk Smith, one of Dereck's students."

"And you are calling my house at midnight?"

"Is that a problem?"

"My ten year old son just answered the phone."

"I didn't mean for it to be a problem. Am I in trouble now?"

"Well, you're a jerk, whoever you are." I slammed down the phone. Actually, it was more like I angrily turned off the phone. But there you have it.

Then I called Dereck and asked him if he had a student named Jerk Smith. Yes, sure enough. They played frisbee after karaoke one night in the rain when I was in Seattle. I doubt the guy even knew there was a bitchy wife and kids.

But still. When you are a student, you do not call your professor's house at midnight. And if the bitchy wife answers when you do that, you are very very apologetic.

At quarter to one, the phone rang again. I thought, "This better be Dereck."

"Hi, Is Dereck there?"

"Who is calling?"

"Uh, this is Asshole Student."

"Are you friends with Jerk Smith? Are you guys part of the asshole club who just thinks you can call families at one a.m. or midnight or whenever the fuck you want?"

Click.

"Dereck, do you have another student named Asshole? Because he just called now, and now they think it's funny, and it's harassment. I'll come into your class and talk to them if I have to. But next time they call, I'm calling the police."

"Does it sound like they are calling from the bars now?"

"Yes, that time it did."

"We're going to go try to find them."

"Feel free to mention the police."

We never should have gotten rid of caller ID. If they call again, so help me, I will have their balls in a sling.